woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
