I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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