i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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