i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
