We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm too high and old for this...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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