i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
