Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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