I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
