Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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