We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
