He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
