Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
