No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
