i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
