I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
