Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
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Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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