I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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