new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
