does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
