ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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