My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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