Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
