her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
