we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
