your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
