I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
