Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
