a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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