im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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