On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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