the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The best revenge is premature balding
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
