How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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