Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize