On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
