So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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