i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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