i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
