It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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