Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Your penis caused this!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
