i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
