Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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