i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
