I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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