sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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