look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
