dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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