BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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