When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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