...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
