she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
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it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
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Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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