I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
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everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
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Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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