you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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