saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
