What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
