You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
