then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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