What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
