basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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