Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
