I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Randomize
