Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
