He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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